One of our favourite Muslim comedians, Hamzah Moin of Maniac Muslim gives us the low-down on Ramadan mischiefs. Caution: Article to be taken with a pinch of salt (not literally, as it may break your fast)
Time for a sequel to an old favourite: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly. This time we take a closer look at some shenanigans we might run into in Ramadan.
The Good: You read a Qur’an app on your phone while in prayer to help your concentration.
I see this a lot and if it makes you concentrate more and is in line with your school of thought, go for it. The blinding but soothing white light emitting from your phone’s screen can ensure that everyone around you is wide awake for the prayer.
The Bad: You receive a text notification with a scandalous message while in prayer.
The reason why most scholars prefer an actual Qur’an: no push notifications. Especially no push notifications from your “dawah project”.
The Ugly: You respond to the scandalous text message while in prayer.
Although it’s courteous that you replied with “can’t talk right now, praying”, I’m sure your dawah project can wait a couple of minutes.
The Good: You were late but still made it on time for Taraweeh.
You might have a panic if you’re running late because you’d have to pray in the wudu area or the babysitting room but nothing feels better than making it on time for prayer.
The Bad: You parked in the handicap spot and an old masjid aunty on a wheelchair had to park across the street
Unfortunately the way you made it on time was to park at a premium spot at the mosque at the expense of the poor aunty on the wheelchair, who had to park at the Wal-Mart across the street and has to roll her way back ever-so-slowly.
The Ugly: The wheelchair aunty got hit by a bus on her way to the masjid.
Oh no! Poor aunty. Don’t worry, she’s going to be okay. She is more emotionally hurt because someone took her usual handicap parking spot.
The Really Ugly: You’re the president of the mosque.
What handicap spot?
The Good: You fasted the entire day.
Nothing better than conquering a day of fasting… especially in this heat and north-pole like hours.
The Bad: All the clocks in your home are broken so you don’t really know what time it is and broke your fast at the wrong time.
Screwing up a fast because you broke it one minute early really sucks. Having reliable clocks in your home also helps. Also: having a phone from the 21st century that give you the time is a bonus.
The Ugly: You forgot to distinguish between AM and PM times; instead of fasting from 3:30am to 9pm, you fasted 3:30pm to 9am.
This is when you should have realized that something was a bit off with your fast. Opening your windows to see the sunlight pouring in should have clued you in with your iftar timings.
The Good: Somebody sneezed and you came in with a clutch “Yarhamukallah”
The rights of your fellow brother or sister is to respond with “Yarhamukallah” whenever he or she sneezes (even if it’s one of those weeny sneezes that barely make a sound)
The Bad: This all happened during prayer
Of course, none of that matters if you’re in prayer… where you’re supposed to be shutting up and concentrating.
The Ugly: The original sneezer says thanks.
To show his appreciation, the original sneezer also jeopardizes his prayer to say his thanks. Other congregants of the prayer agreed that Maghrib was the worst prayer in the mosque’s history.
The Good: You take a power nap to re-energize yourself before a delicious iftar at your mother-in-law’s.
Sometimes the long fasting hours can wear you down. Power naps are a great way to give yourself a boost so you can go off to stuffing yourself silly at one of your many iftar functions.
The Bad: You sleep through iftar time and you receive 9 missed calls on your cellphone because your mother-in-law thinks you’re dead.
You don’t want to worry her.
The Ugly: You drift back to sleep only to miss iftar and sahoor and you end up having to fast two days in a row consecutively.
Unfortunately, if you’re really sleep deprived then you might end up sleeping through the entire “eating” portion of the day and you’re stuck doing a super fast (not recommended to do).
The Really Ugly: You didn’t learn your lesson and you sleep through the next day’s iftar again. You nearly die from starvation.
Your mother-in-law is still texting you and the police have been notified.
The Good: You donate to the masjid regularly.
Nice! The mosque needs money from people like you. The more you give throughout the year, the shorter the Taraweeh hostage fundraising situation.
The Bad: You donate to the masjid regularly only when someone is watching.
Give with your right hand so your left hand doesn’t know… but for some reason you want everyone to your left to be staring at you as you put the money in. #BadIntentions
The Ugly: You create a Snap Story every time you donate.
It doesn’t get any more humble than this.